Old Wives' Tales
Radio & TV
Toxin du jour
Claim: Police officer catches man pleasuring himself with a pumpkin.
Example: [Collected via -email, 1998]
Origins: This tale of one man's lust for a gourd hit the Internet in
By 2000, the same piece was circulating headed by the claim that it had been harvested from the Washington Post. In 2001 it again circulated in the online world, that time told of one Patrick Lawrence of Dacula, GA, the story supposedly having come from the Washington Post. 2005's vegetable lover was said to be a Ward Branham of Lethbridge, Alberta, with the news story about his activities having been printed in the Calgary Sun.
As for the details of this yarn ... well, pumpkins may be "soft and squishy" inside, but they're also mostly
With a sense of direction like that, if Malcolm had a wife, no wonder he couldn't keep her.
Although 1998's Malcolm Davidson and his "Is it midnight already" line were wholly fictional, the key element of this tale did play out in real life at least once. In September 2002, Bill Patton of Macomb, Michigan, was sentenced to ninety days in the hoosegow for indecent exposure stemming from a 2000 incident during which neighbors saw him masturbate in his back yard, then observed him through his basement window pleasuring himself with a pumpkin. His crime lay in being
Sightings: In the 1991 film
Last updated: 7 February 2007
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