If I were the Devil . . . If I were the Prince of Darkness, I'd want to engulf the whole world in darkness. And I'd have 1/3 of its real estate and 4/5 of its population, but I wouldn't be happy until I had seized the ripest apple on the tree. THE ripest apple! So I'd set about however necessary to take over the United States.

I'd subvert the churches first. I'd begin with a campaign of whispers. With the wisdom of a serpent, I would whisper to you as I whispered to Eve, "Do as you please!"

To the young I would whisper that the Bible is a myth. I would convince them that man created God instead of the other way around.

I would confide that what's bad is good, and what's good is square.

And the old I would teach to pray after me, "Our Father, which art in Washington."

And then I'd get organized. I'd educate authors in how to make lurid literature exciting so that anything else would appear dull or uninteresting.

I'd threaten TV with dirtier movies and vice versa.

I'd peddle narcotics to whom I could.

I'd sell alcohol to ladies and gentlemen of distinction. I'd tranquilize the rest with pills.

If I were the Devil, I'd soon have families at war with themselves, churches at war with themselves, and nations at war with themselves until each, in its turn, was consumed. And with promises of higher ratings, I'd have mesmerizing media fanning the flames.

If I were the Devil, I would encourage schools to refine young intellects, but neglect to discipline emotions; just let those run wild! Until before you knew it, you'd have to have drug-sniffing dogs and metal detectors at every schoolhouse door.

Within a decade, I'd have prisons overflowing, I'd have judges promoting pornography.

Soon I could evict God from the courthouse, then from the schoolhouse, and then from the houses of Congress.

And in his own churches, I would substitute psychology for religion and deify science. I would lure priests and pastors into misusing boys and girls and church money.

If I were the Devil, I'd make the symbol of Easter an egg, and the symbol of Christmas a bottle.

If I were the Devil, I'd take from those who have and give to those who want it until I had killed the incentive of the ambitious.

And what do you bet I could get whole states to promote gambling as the way to get rich.

I would caution against extremes; in hard work; in patriotism; in moral conduct.

I would convince the young that marriage is old fashioned; that swinging is more fun; that what you see on TV is the way to be. And thus, I could undress you in public, and I could lure you into bed with diseases for which there is no cure.

In other words, if I were the Devil, I'd just keep right on doing what he's doing!

If I were the devil . . .

I would gain control of the most powerful nation in the world;

I would delude their minds into thinking that a 3000-year-old collection of superstition and mythology called the 'Bible' was a more valid guide to the modern world than reason and science;

I would promote an attitude of valuing economic expansion and personal wealth over people and the environment, instead of the other way around;

I would dupe an entire population into placing the greatest tax burden on their poorest citizens;

I would convince people that image rather than achievement was the most important issue when it comes to leadership;

I would ensure that men maintained control over women's bodies and sexuality;

I would make it socially acceptable to deny terminally ill patients the right to end their own lives with dignity, and instead force them to spend their final days in continual pain and suffering;

I would promote the exploitation and suffering of animals as much as possible, so that business profits would be valued more than treating living things humanely;

I would coerce schoolchildren into worshiping my god and call it "freedom of religion";

I would get control of the government by stealing elections and leading the country into unnecessary wars, so that I could twist the laws of the nation to suit my agenda;

I would attack minorities, foreigners, women, homosexuals, and every other powerless group, the backbone of any nation;

I would force couples to remain in unworkable marriages. Unhappy people are easier to control;

I would suppress freedom of speech and expression, and I would call it protecting society;

I would convince the world that people choose to be homosexuals, and that their lifestyles should be reviled and demonized;

I would convince the people that right and wrong are determined by a few bigoted religious zealots who refer to their agenda as Christian;

I would persuade people that the Bible, a book that condones xenophobia, slavery, subordination of women, and stoning people to death, is a relevant guide to modern life;

I guess I would leave things pretty much the way they are.