Claim: Campaign manager for George W. Bush (or John Kerry) pays church official to refer to his charge as a "saint."
Example:[Collected via e-mail, 2006]
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside of Washington as part of his campaign.
Bush's campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."
The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and finally says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."
Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily: "George Bush is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel with the world's largest chip on his shoulder. He steals elections. He politicizes science. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.'"
"He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He continues to blur the line between church and state. Corruption is rampant in his administration. He routinely appoints incompetent and unqualified cronies to high-level federal government positions and as a result, hundreds and hundreds of Americans died tragically in New Orleans. He is so psychotic and megalomaniacal that he believes that he was chosen by God."
"He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known."
"But compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint."
On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator John Kerry's campaign manager visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No, I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Kerry's views."
Kerry's manager then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church, if you'll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Kerry's manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present.
Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Senator Kerry's presence is probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to those of the church, and he
tends to flip-flop on many other views. John Kerry is a petty, self absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit. John Kerry is a liar, a cheat, and a thief. John Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally witnessed. He turned on his buddies in Vietnam. He wrote a book and
portrayed himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal. He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply isn't to be trusted."
The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with, "But, when compared to Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint."
Origins: Much as we dislike spoiling humor by having to explain it, we've received numerous inquiries from readers asking whether one or the other of the items quoted above is "true."
Of course, these are versions of one of the many bits of humor that are periodically trotted out and refurbished with the names and dubious achievements of current political figures; in this case, updatings of a much older generic joke about hypocrisy and religion:
Once there were two evil brothers. They were both rich, and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and appeared to the undiscerning to be perfect Christians.
Then one day the old pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers deception, but he also spoke a powerful, no nonsense message, and the church membership grew in numbers. Soon a fund-raising campaign was started to build a new and larger assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a very large sum of money to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must tell the congregation that my brother was a saint."
The pastor thought for a moment, gave his word, and took and deposited the money in the bank.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back; he let it fly.
"He was an evil man," he said. "He was a liar and a crook. He was greedy and spiteful. He cheated on his wife and abused his family ..."
After going on like this for several more minutes, he finally concluded, "But (pointing to the deceased's brother), compared to his brother over there, this man was a saint!"
Judging by the contents of our inbox, we find that a version featuring President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney began making the Internet rounds in early 2006. In the interests of equal time, a month or so later an earlier version (from the 2004 presidential campaign) naming Massachusetts senators John Kerry and Ted Kennedy was dusted off and set loose once again. Both are still circulating as of mid-2006, each growing longer as forwarders add more and more invective to the sermonizing
Last updated: 6 July 2006
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