Old Wives' Tales
Radio & TV
Toxin du jour
Claim: A girl freezes her naked ass to her date's car on their first (and last) date.
Example: [Collected on the Internet, 1999]
Origins: It is true that a guest on the Tonight Show did tell this story when Jay Leno went into the audience looking for "bad date" anecdotes. What is less clear, however, is if the incident described happened.
I think Jay Leno was hoaxed. And I think he went asking for it, too. But that's just one woman's opinion. Let me tell you how I arrived at it, though.
For quite a while, on the Tonight Show web site was a page soliciting those who've had nightmare dates to
That the possibility of a hoax exists isn't, by itself, proof of anything. But it does provide a bit of framework towards explaining how someone would get this opportunity, and it belies
The telling arguments against this tall tail tale have to do with the mechanics of it. If caught in the position of needing to go but not having access to a toilet, most women would choose to squat beside the car. Less chance of being seen, after all, but it's also the position the vast majority would naturally adopt. It should be noted, however, that some rare women prefer to urinate standing up. It's not the norm, but they do exist.
Even if the heroine of this story were one of those rare women, there is still the problem of an erect urinator pissing on her clothes. Pants would be only pulled down, not entirely removed, because to do so would necessitate taking off the boots, something no one would think of doing while standing on the frozen tundra. Though it's possible to avoid pissing on what is bunched down around one's ankles when in a crouched position, all bets are off if standing. Gravity makes its own rules, after all. To have urinated standing up would have been to risk the overwhelming likelihood of having to afterwards pull on freshly pissed-upon pants. And this is not the kind of fashion statement one looks to make on the first date.
A warm body part could become fused to cold metal (and doubly so if either component is wet), but getting enough of a person's fundament firmly attached to the side of a car would take some doing. Even if it did become affixed, the large surface area of it would quickly work to
(For another "pissing to unstick the frozen" legend, see our Urine Good Hands legend.)
Even with all these improbabilities, the story still falls within the realm of possibility
Granted, if those cheeks were a bit damp and she managed to momentarily rest against a patch of naked metal that was just cold enough, she might leave a bit of skin behind even from this brief a contact. However, she would break loose — there's no doubt about that. Now if our heroine still chose to lean up against the car after either a cold goosing or a skin ripping, it would take an act of God to prevent her from this time resting her mittened hands on the fender and her bum against them.
Most damning of all, however, is the nature of car fenders themselves. They're painted. Though it's possible to freeze a tongue to the unpainted metal of playground equipment, all bets are off if the structures have been painted, shellac'd, or otherwise coated.
Could a bare butt become stuck to the side of a car? I don't think so. And I just don't believe dating behavior has changed that much in the few years I've been away from it to allow for anyone's trying to do this.
Barbara "bum's rush" Mikkelson
Last updated: 3 July 2007
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