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Insurance Insanity

Claim:   List of humorous automobile accident insurance claims.

UNDETERMINED

Example:   [Collected via e-mail, 2000]

  • Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
  • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment.
  • In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home. As I reached an inter-section a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
  • I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  • I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident and damage my big end.
  • As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
  • To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I stuck a pedestrian.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my car and vanished.
  • I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run. So I ran over him.
  • I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
  • The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
  • The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the front end.
  • The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
  • I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he'd been knocked over before.
 

Origins:   Each of these entries are reputed to be actual statements found on insurance claim forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.

The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

British comedian Jasper Carrott has been including a version of the list in his stand-up routines since the mid-1970s. This bit, titled "Car Insurance," appears on his 1977 comedy albums A Pain in the Arm and his 1978 The Best of Jasper Carrott. However, the material is not original to him — he claims the list was compiled from accident report forms received by a large insurance firm in London.
  • The accident was due to an invisible lorry narrowly missing me.
  • I collided with a stationary tree coming the other direction.
  • To avoid collision I ran into the other car.
  • I was scraping my nearside on the bank when the accident happened.
  • The other man altered his mind and I had to run over him.
  • I bumped into the lamppost which was obscured by human beings.
  • A bull was standing there and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.
  • The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
  • Coming home I grabbed into the wrong house and collided with a tree that I haven't got.
  • I blew my horn. It would not work because it was stolen.
  • I thought the side wender was down but it was up and I found out when I put my bloody head through it.
  • I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault, said he'd been knocked down before.
Last updated:   30 March 2011

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