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Home --> Humor --> Jes' Plain Jokes --> Here's Your Sign

Here's Your Sign

Joke:   Signs for stupid people.

Example:   [Collected on the Internet, 2002]

THE STUPID SIGN

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops... never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning... okay... no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today?

The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.

Origins:   We've seen this humor piece variously attributed to Scott Adams (creator of the cartoon Dilbert), Kurt Vonnegut, Jeff Foxworthy,
and George Carlin, another demonstration of the tendency to apply well-known names to items bearing no credit or unfamiliar names. Just as any rumor having to do with soda pop gravitates toward Coca-Cola and fried chicken gossip heads towards KFC, so too is the authorship of any Internet belly-shaker laid at the feet of those who are considered the best-known online humorists of our time.

The real author of the piece is Bill Engvall. Engvall has been performing his "Here's your sign" routine in comedy clubs for many a year, and in 1997 he produced a comedy record of that name. That same year he teamed with singer Travis Tritt on a video entitled "Here’s Your Sign," which featured Tritt's vocals over Engvall's spoken-word comedy. It went on to become the best-selling comedy single of the year and, more impressively, finished No. 3 among all country singles.

To be fair, Bill Engvall was not the first to make folks laugh with smartass responses to dumb inquiries. Another popular (and earlier) example of this genre was Al Jaffee's "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions" an ongoing feature of Mad Magazine from the 1960s. The following sample comes from a 1968 issue:
Q:   (from a waiter, to a husband and wife) Table for how many?

A:   A hundred and twelve — we like to change seats every few minutes.

A:   One — my wife will sit on my shoulders.

A:   I don't know — I can't count that high, either.
Barbara "mad about you" Mikkelson

Additional information:
    Bill Engvall home page   Bill Engvall home page
Last updated:   27 March 2007

Urban Legends Reference Pages © 1995-2014 by Barbara and David P. Mikkelson.
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  Sources Sources:
    Moore, Rob.   "'Here’s Your Sign' Comedian Brings His Observations of the Stupid to Town."
    Abilene Reporter-News.   7 May 1999   (p. B4).

    Swindle, Howard.   "A Transplanted Texan Enjoys the Fruits of California Comedy."
    The Dallas Morning News.   19 July 1998   (p. E1).