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Home --> Humor --> Jes' Plain Jokes --> Top 20 Homicides of the Year

Top 20 Homicides of the Year

Claim:   List reproduces the FBI's "Top 20 Homicides of the Year".

Status:   False.

Example:   [Collected on the Internet, 2000]

Every year the US FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 serious crimes including Murder/Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigatons Unit puts out its "Top 20 Homicides of the Year".



20. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20" long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husbands strange sex practices, and one night during a prolonged being of "fun" she snapped, pushing all 20" of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

19. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

18. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. (Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

17. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to "have his way with her" his unwelcome advance was met with a prompt kick in the chest and then 4 shots from a doubled barrelled shot gun Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

16. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years (yes 8 years). The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

15. Mary-Lee Cooper, 11 years old, was killed by her 1 year old sister who climbed on top of her while she was sleeping, suffocating her.

14. Meegan Fri, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing the troopers all walking slow down the street Meegan Fri has jumped out in front of them and yelled. "Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting their target. "She just looked like a very real looking target." One of the troopers stated in his report.

13. Fiona Given, 17 years old, was killed by a "Hit Man" hired by her ex boyfriend after she broke off their relationship. The "Hit Man" was promised to be paid $500,000 for the task. The "Hit Man" killed the boyfriend after he found out that a 16 year old high school student, whose father was in jail for rape, and mother worked as an ironing lady didn't have access to $500,000.

12. Louis Zaragoza, 68 years old, was killed as he prepared to drive to work. Lee Zaragoza, had been plotting to kill him for over a year, and had cut the brakes on his car 4 times previously. On this attempt Lee was just about to cut the brakes again when Louis snuck up behind her, he grabbed her and spun her around, as he did she lost her footing and stumbled into him, stabbing him in the lower ventrical of the heart, killing him instantly.

11. Mummod Foli, 22 years old, was killed by an unknown member of the Russian Mafia, after he accidentally took away the gangsters drink too soon at the nightclub he worked in. The gangster was so upset he forced the waiter to drink over 27 litres of 'coca cola' (the drink he had taken away) until Mummod drowned.

10. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Micheal because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

9. Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American Nuclear Scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold subsituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off the victim never attended a doctors surgery or hospital for a check up.

8. Military Sargent John Joe Winter killed his "two timing wife" by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4) the Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was witnessed by several persons, Some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found. Only a 55 metre deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

7. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at a empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over "for a cup of coffee and a chat" about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

6. Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend used the movie, "Die Hard, With a Vengeance." as inspiration. He drugged his white boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided whiteboard that read "Death to all Niggers!" on one side, and "God love the KKK." on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to down town Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

5. Jay Newton was killed after a co worker at Sea World Florida dropped a 20 tonne killer whale on him. The whale had been hoisted out of his tank by a Master Tonne Crane, when the victim swam underneath to inspect the harness his colleague, Brian Hartley released the whale. crushing the victim instantly, (and emptying ¼ the water from the pool).

4. Carl Densinter, 34 years old, by a fellow worker trying to prove a point.The worker, San Amote Pet, disconected the internal landing gear settings on a Boeing 747 test plane, and the plane's gear automatically retracted after take off. But come landing time wouldn't re-engage, the helpless Densinter couldn't do a thing as the plane ran out of fuel, in an attempt at an emergency landing the 747 exploded. Densinter was killed instantly.

3. Mary Dridely, Joseph Coles and Haven Gillies were killed as they walked past a New York apartment building. David Smee, 7 years old, and his 6 year old sister were left alone in their 27th floor hotel room by their parents as they went to the hotel's gaming room. Bored, the kids though it'd be fun to try to squish the "Ant looking things on the foot path below." (people) They started by throwing fruit, then quickly graduated to chairs, televisions, even the drawers from the bedroom dresser.

2. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. Then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, "Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian" Conrad promptly light a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

1. Gail Queens, 23 years old, was killed by her Zoo keeper Boyfriend Mathew Kellaway after she refused sex. He 'invited her' to the zoo the see the lion feeding, and at feeding time lead her into a room that had a large slide away panel, He explained to her that it was a large glass viewing window to watch the lions devour their prey. He ducked out for a quick smoke and locked her in the room. Suddenly the slide away panel opened to reveal many persons staring at her, she was just about to yell and tell them that they were on the wrong side of the glass when she realised that it was her on the wrong side. Another panel opened and 3 hungry lions were let into the pen. Gail survived for 2 days in hospital before dying of massive internal injuries.

Variations:   A shorter version of this item containing 12(?) entries is sometimes offered as the FBI's "Top 10 Homicides of the Year" list.

Origins:   No, the FBI doesn't release an annual list of the "Top 20 Homicides." If the sheer inanity of some of these entries (e.g., a man "drowning" from drinking too much Coca-Cola), the atrocious spelling and grammar, and the use of non-American vocabulary (such as 'tonne,' 'doctors surgery,' and 'kilometers' ) don't give away that this list is just a bit of humor, then consider that most of the homicides detailed here are not federal crimes and don't involve a crossing of state lines, and therefore the FBI wouldn't have been called upon to investigate them.

Last updated:   26 March 2007

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