Old Wives' Tales
Radio & TV
Toxin du jour
Legend: A woman mistakenly uses her daughter's glitter spray instead of feminine deodorant in preparation for a visit to the gynecologist.
Example: [Collected on the Internet, 1995]
Origins: The "glittery mom" story has been circulating on the Internet at least since 1994. In an updated 1997 version, the sparkly stuff is transferred to the older woman by way of her using her daughter's washcloth, not realizing the girl had been using it to remove glitter makeup. Feminine deodorant spray or washcloth, it's the same tale with but a small detail changed.
It's an older story than you might think. A "green stamps" version of it likely began in 1963, a version in which a lady, on her way to see the doctor, stops to relieve herself in a public bathroom. There's no toilet paper to be found so she uses a Kleenex from her purse. Unknown to her, a couple of trading stamps accidentally get transferred from the bottom of the purse to the lady's whatever. During the exam the doctor quips, "I didn't know you gave Green Stamps with that."
The key to the enjoyment factor of this story is the notion of an older (and therefore presumably less sexually avant garde) woman being embarrassed in front of her doctor. (Physicians are still seen as one of the ultimate authority figures). Yearly gynecological exams are disquieting enough without the one administering it getting an extra laugh out of the procedure, and it's this mortification the legend speaks to. Perhaps that explains the story's popularity — we often find ways to laugh about things we find humiliating.
It's worth noting Joan Rivers' advice to women on how to balance the gynecological exam scales: "Learn to throw your voice."
In 2004, a Cosmopolitan reader gave the following account:
I had dressed up as Kelly Osbourne for Halloween, so I'd bought an aerosol can of pink dye. A couple days later, I was getting ready for a gynecologist appointment and grabbed a can of feminine deoderant spray. Afterward, I realized that I'd grabbed the wrong can and had given my pubic hair a dye job. I was running late, so I got dressed and left. When I put my feet up in the stirrups at the doctor's office, he laughed and said "Wow, aren't you stylish!"And In 2002, Redbook ran the following "confession" from a reader.
— Raquel, 32
After giving birth to my third child and realizing that my "mommy belly" wasn't getting any smaller, I decided to get liposuction. On the day of my surgery, I put on a new pair of panties my husband had bought me, ripped the tags off, and quickly finished dressing. When I got to the doctor's office, he pulled out a marker to circle the "problem areas" that he planned to operate on. I heard him snicker and say "Cute" as he drew on me. I gave him a strange look, wondering if he was a pervert. A few minutes later, when I stopped to use the bathroom, I lifted up my hospital gown and noticed a small sticker on the inside of my upper thigh that read "Touch me." I made a huge scene, thinking the doctor had played a joke on me, but the mystery was solved when I got homeThe following tale has not, to the best of my knowledge, ever been told as a "this is true" story but has instead made the rounds as a joke. Still, it has just enough in common with the glitter legend to warrant inclusion here.
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.Barbara "calling card" Mikkelson
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her underwear and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my underwear..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the
The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her behind that read, "We will never forget you."
Sightings: During an interview with Conan O'Brien on
Last updated: 27 December 2004
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